im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
