i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
