There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
