mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
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