I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
