We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
