Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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