I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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