I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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