It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
