I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
