guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
