my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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