He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
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he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
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The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.