my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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