I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
