Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
