hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
