I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Never underestimate the power of titties
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
