So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
