Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
someone owes me an orgasm
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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