my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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