apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My penis needs a shock collar
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
