Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
