you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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