I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
