I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
