your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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