life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
