Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
