I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
