from now on my penis is your penis
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
That accounts for only three of the penises
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
