my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
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I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
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Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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