So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
