We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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