It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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