I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
