god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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