Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
