my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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