Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
