party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
