U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
