i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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