The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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