that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
