it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
