You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Can I color on your dick again?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
