Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
