you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
