Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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