Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
