Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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