Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
