He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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