I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
