Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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