guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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