I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
