Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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