3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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