u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
