This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
