I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
