So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
